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Grief, Gratitude, and Gripes

3/5/2020

18 Comments

 
PictureButch Nortman, 1943-2020
The title may seem an odd combination of feelings, but in a way, it sums up life. About a month ago, I lost my best friend. He was also my husband. Butch was diagnosed about a year and a half ago with cancer, which had metastasized to the brain. For a year, he had very few symptoms--no pain, weight loss, etc, but we spent most of our time at appointments, radiology, and chemotherapy.

GRIEF: I expected when the end came that grief would be an all-consuming dark chasm. Instead, it has been more of a constant imbalance. I feel like a three-legged dog. I think that may be because the last several months, he was not the person I spent the previous 56 years with. He had mobility and balance issues requiring constant assistance. His difficulty swallowing made meal decisions and eating a challenge. His personality changed, and although there were occasional glimpses of the old Butch and his sense of humor, most of the time I felt like I hardly knew him. Worst of all, his speech became almost indecipherable. Our conversations were a combination of him making wild and random gestures, me making guesses, him shaking his head in frustration and trying to form words, me writing down words that he could point to, and so on. Those months were the dark chasm, partly because I felt there should be something I could do to make it better, but I didn't know what it was.

Now I know there is nothing I can do to change things. Instead, I find myself absently getting two sets of silverware out for supper and then putting one back, not turning on lights when I get up early and tiptoeing around, and reminding myself when something funny or disgusting happens to tell him about it. I think in most marriages, certain tasks become the domain of one partner or the other because of skills, interests, convenience, and/or just habit. He took care of the vehicles (skill and interest), changed the light bulbs and smoke alarm batteries (convenience--he was taller), did most of the driving (he loved to drive),  and took care of retrieving things from the lockbox and recycling cans. (habit) So I am learning new skills and habits. For example, I used a car wash a week ago for the first time in my life. But I'm still a three legged dog.


PictureThe handsome grandsons
GRATITUDE: I am so thankful for the amazing outpouring of love and support. First of all, our three kids stepped up over the last few months and came frequently from West Virginia, Texas, and Illinois to help with the care giving tasks. They were instrumental in planning the funeral as well. I put together photos for a slide show at the visitation while they worked on the music. Butch whistled constantly and also loved to sing. He sang whenever we slow danced and he whistled when he was working on something. It was wonderful to hear the kids talk about what songs they connected with their dad, each one triggering a memory. All three spoke at the funeral and I couldn't have been prouder. Our grandsons served as pallbearers besides helping with everything.

The food and visits from family and friends both before and after his death were incredible. Other women friends who have been through the same thing have been especially supportive. And I am thankful for the years we had together. We took such wonderful trips in the three years that we were both fully retired. But we also enjoyed the years the kids were growing up (most of the time!) He was a nice man, a great friend, a loving father and grandfather, and a very special husband.

GRIPES: The amount of paperwork, phone calls, and trips to offices in even a simple estate is astounding.  In over half of the required contacts that I had to make, the company or agency representative expressed sincere sounding condolences and then proceeded to explain how they were going to royally screw up my life. In at least two instances, I have filled out paperwork twice for the same request. One fifteen page document that I completed only had three pages that I needed to answer--even though one of the pages that I didn't need to do (according to the person on the help line) said MANDATORY SECTION at the top. I asked the representative "You know what mandatory means, right?" I had to close our joint bank account and open a new one in my name only. That would not be a big deal except for automatic deposits and withdrawals. All new numbers. But I think it is finally winding down and I have most things handled.

The only thing I am having a hard time with is that he isn't here. And he isn't coming back.


18 Comments
Lory Rieger
3/5/2020 01:00:48 pm

No one could have expressed it better. I so enjoyed all the camping pictures you shared through the years and the great company of friends and family, Karen. Being a caregiver is the hardest, yet most rewarding job ever and you've done it with grace and love. Butch will be missed in our lives but he shared his smile and contagious sense of humor with so many, for that I am thankful. Lory

Reply
Anne Hiwe
3/5/2020 01:47:47 pm

Read twice with so many thoughts. I remember looking out the window after losing Fred and saying out loud. Who are you Anne? We have been a wife for so long now going through such a hard time with more to come. I wrote something similar later only titled it “Nobody wanted to live more than Fred “. I read it quite a bit. I wish you only the best Karen.

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Bill Koellner
3/5/2020 02:20:17 pm

I enjoyed the blog. I had gone through this when mother died. We are intelligent people and many times the people asking us to do something have both poor communication skills and can’t explain what each company wants.

It’s so interesting that everyone sells service when you purchase a policy or investment but when time to pay it back, both paperwork and the process are indescribable. Some need death certificates and some don’t. The banks never explain how to setup accounts and what survivors need for documentation.
Then the notary process, regular or medallion - crazy.

So glad you shared the three G’s because so many people have no clue of these things.

While we all think we are strong, wait and we too will experience the 3 G’s.

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Toni Hinrichs
3/5/2020 02:48:31 pm

Karen, all that you wrote is so true as my husband of 28 years passed away in 2005 of Pancreatic cancer. Once diagnosed he was gone in 30 days. I can relate to all that you wrote. It is tough losing a spouse especially after as long as you & Butch were married. My heart goes out to you. (ps: I went to school with Gretchen & we still keep in touch). 🙏❤️

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Dennis Riggins
3/5/2020 03:03:34 pm

I’m very sorry for your loss, Karen. You and Butch were a pleasure to be with . Seeing you two at the Class of 60 reunions was one reason I attended and I remember not ever seeing Butch not smile. I look forward to seeing you at future reunions. Love, Dennis.

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Ginge
3/5/2020 03:24:27 pm

It's those little things that can bring about a profound moment of grief: coming home and finding no one there, eating alone, opening a drawer and seeing his sweatshirt, getting a letter addressed to him, dreaming about him and waking up to reality. I also have lost confidence in myself without him to offer his support and pay me compliments. Day to day I can hide my sadness, but it's always there.

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Linda Jensen
3/5/2020 04:09:26 pm

My experience when Bill was sick was different and yet the same in many ways. We, too, had our “specialties.” I miss having him complete my thoughts. If one of us could get part of a name or memory, the other could get the rest. Grief and loss isn’t something you get over or get through, it’s something you learn to live with and go on. Bill and I enjoyed our friendship with you and Butch. You know you’ll continue to be in my thoughts.

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Diane Bay Gilligan
3/5/2020 04:39:02 pm

When my husband was diagnosed, a friend who had lost her husband a few years before called me. She told me that she started grieving the day they got the definitive diagnosis. I was so glad she said that because I thought I was losing my mind, with it going to places we hadn’t yet reached. Your description of feeling like a 3-legged dog feels right. For me, too, it felt like I was living a lie, afterwards. I still went to work. I was still in our house. Drove the same car. Living the same life. Only it wasn’t. It was the same life but nothing was the same. It felt like a lie. I still long for the old normal, probably always will, but have worked hard at creating a new one. I had to learn to say “yes” when someone asked if they could help. I had to learn to ask for help. You learn a lot about yourself and what you are capable of doing. I’ve learned a lot. Still learning. God bless...

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Karen
3/6/2020 07:54:03 am

Diane--I hope you are still coming to Eldora. I think when I first met you, your loss had been fairly recent. I'm looking forward to a visit.

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Terry Ozzello
3/5/2020 04:59:32 pm

You have put in to words, with such eloquence, what life before and after this kind of loss is. The things you think should be pretty simple to do or change are rediculously difficult. Thank you for sharing. Let me know if I can help you.

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Pat Brooke
3/5/2020 05:30:16 pm

You do so very well with words and even though we hope words will help heal they do for awhile but in the long run nothing really heals our wounds .Folks used to say time will heal all wounds but it don't, we just learn how to navigate our time alone a little better. I miss my soulmate after 5 years of him being gone as if it were yesterday but we learn life still goes on and we need to put on our big girl panties and trudge on and make the best of every day.Bless you Karen

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Linda Brade
3/5/2020 06:30:38 pm

What a great "3 G" tribute to life and love interrupted.

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Chris
3/5/2020 07:30:43 pm

We think of you often and this blog post was very hard to read because of the sorrow we both feel. Butch was such a larger than life character and I always enjoyed my chats with him when you both took in a strange South African exchange student. I remember Butch taking me for a flight over West Liberty. Please remember you always have a bed in Arizona should you wish to escape the Iowa winter. Annette joins me in sending our love to you and thank you for allowing us to have a glimpse of the past year

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Karen Fuller (Vye)
3/5/2020 10:20:26 pm

Karen, I am so so sorry to hear of your husband’s passing. My thoughts are with you and your family. I know that you will cherish all the memories you created over the years. Blessings to you, Karen🙏

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Donna McNicol link
3/6/2020 12:49:45 am

I'm so sorry, Karen. I know what you are going through. I did it 15 years ago last November. It's hard, frustrating, irritating, sad and so much more. In fact, two pensions I got are still in my previous name (I remarried in 2009 and spent hours & hours trying to get them changed - they'd say it was done but the paperwork is still coming through in that name). It will get easier. You will never stop missing them, a piece of your heart is gone. But remember what Thedor Geisel (Dr Seuss) said: "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened". Hugs, my dear. Giant hugs!

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Janet K Musser
3/6/2020 09:33:51 am

Karen,
Your blog was so well written and hit on SO MANY feelings I went through and still deal with after Tom passed away. You don't feel like that same person after your spouse passes, you have lost such an important and meaningful part of yourself (like being a three legged dog). There were so many times I would like to rush home and tell Tom what someone told me on campus, some news event or what the kids and grandchildren were doing. I have gotten to talk to my dog Luna a lot in 18 months. Not the the same but she listens. I know I can still be in a crowd of people enjoying the ocassion but still feel the loneliness without Tom being there too.
You are right on about the paperwork involved and taking a long time to get things straightened out. I am just now at the point of finally feeling I am back on track and it should be easier to take care of normal day to day legal paperwork.
You married a great guy and you both had many happy times together, many wonderful memories. I feel the same way about my 47 married years with Tom . Great memories, great kids and their spouses and beautiful grandchildren. Still a lot of sadness but so much more to be grateful for and enjoy life as it is now .
Think of you so often and enjoy your blogs and Facebook posts. Take Care of yourself!!

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Andrea Christensen
3/6/2020 12:54:28 pm

48 years of marriage for me....and your 3gs has a well done expression for me....as well as the notes of others that followed. For me, Allen has always been a part of me and my life, now in a different way. The coffee pot is always on here, your family will always be part of my family, and the next chapter of our lives is underway.....another 3 legged dog pushes on.

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Terry Ozzello
3/6/2020 09:07:22 pm

A couple of things that have occurred to me. I have told my children and others that I believe couples who have been in a relationship for many years come to share a brain. So when one of that couple is gone, the surviving person has lost half a brain. It is the reason I give for my forgetfulness, for my lack of concentration and focus.
Also I thought of another G. GRIT. It's what it takes to deal with all of the things you described. Beginning with the changes in the person you've known for so long. The changes in the dynamics of your relationship, and the dealing with the legalities while trying to keep your feelings and emotions in check. GRIT is the best word I could come up with.

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